Saturday, December 24, 2011

Greatest Christmas CD Covers EVER presents "In The Mouth Of Madness"

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MARIAH CAREY - MERRY CHRISTMAS II YOU
"So what's goin' on up there?"

"It's her again. Should I call the cops?"

"Don't bother. They think it's funny. She's been breaking into buildings all over the city and setting up bad Christmas displays on the roofs."

"Why?"

"Who knows? ... What's she doin' now?"

"It's weird. She's just sitting there like she's posing for a picture, but she's the only one up there..."

Friday, December 23, 2011

Greatest Christmas CD Covers EVER presents "The Lonely Lads"

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ON CHRISTMAS NIGHT
I hope those candles are enough to keep those kids warm. Imagine, locked in a church on Christmas Eve! Awful. Keep your wits, boys. You'll make it through this.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Greatest Christmas CD Covers EVER presents "Next Time, Go With The Accordianist"

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LADY ANTEBELLUM - A MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS
Okay, take a seat and spare me the attitude, Haircut. I hired you three to play my Christmas party and you show up with no instruments? You're not getting paid to sit there and pose. So give us Jingle Bells, maybe a little Deck The Halls, then get the hell out of here.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Greatest Christmas CD Covers EVER presents "The Chauffeur"

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A TENORS CHRISTMAS
Just like in real life, they make Carreras drive.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Greatest Christmas CD Covers EVER presents "Don't Forget The Ski Pants!"

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MICHAEL MCDONALD - THROUGH THE MANY WINTERS
No, this isn't the cover of the latest Eddie Bauer catalog, but if you bring the CD cover in to your local Eddie Bauer, you'll receive 10 dollars off Gore-Tex mittons!

Monday, December 19, 2011

Greatest Christmas CD Covers EVER presents "Christmas at The Sands"

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DEAN MARTIN - MY KIND OF CHRISTMAS
Awww, yeah. My kind of Christmas too, pal! Booze and broads and ring-a-ding-ding and sing-a-sing-sing! Bring Vegas right into your living room with this LP! Sounds exhausting. No thanks.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Greatest Christmas CD Covers EVER presents "A Paid Announcement"

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STRAIGHT NO CHASER - CHRISTMAS CHEER
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Saturday, December 17, 2011

Greatest Christmas CD Covers EVER presents "The Hinge of Fate"

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CHRISTMAS - SING ALONG WITH MITCH
If even a grinch like satanist Anton LaVey can get into the spirit of the season, I'd say Christmas is in pretty good shape these days.

This is a turning point in the War On Christmas. The forces of the Desolate One, now pledging to celebrate Christ's birth, will join Christmas revellers and well-wishers in raining hellfire down on the heads of their enemies.

Friday, December 16, 2011

Greatest Christmas CD Covers EVER presents "Calm Before The Storm"

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CELTIC THUNDER - CHRISTMAS
The ghost of Rob Lowe's uncle haunts Gorky Park.

My great aunt from the UK came over last year and the combination of a pillow-sized bag of Piggy Puffs and her pre-existing gastric condition means that I've heard my fill of Celtic Thunder for quite a while, thanks.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Greatest Christmas CD Covers EVER presents "A Man's Gotta Eat"

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TONY BENNETT - A SWINGIN' CHRISTMAS
Wouldn't it have been less work to actually get the guys around a table and snap a picture instead of taking a bunch of individual photos and photoshopping it together randomly? Really, there are random hands and heads scattered all over this thing.

This scene looks like it's about to get violent. There's at most 10 place settings represented and 15 hungry men. They're gonna tear that turkey apart like lions with roid rage.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Greatest Christmas CD Covers EVER presents "Heads Up!"

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BURL IVES - HAVE A HOLLY JOLLY CHRISTMAS
Nice. Someone's sent you the severed head of Burl Ives as a Christmas gift. Apparently, he tried to chew his way out of the box. Oh, well. It's better than Andy Williams' foot which you got last year.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Greatest Christmas CD Covers EVER presents "Jingle HELL"

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WILLIE KALIKIMAKA
After trashing all your decorations, Willie's now comin' after YOU. It's not "Wreck The Halls", Willie! It's not "A Rage In The Manger!" I don't know any Christmas carol called "Holly Brawly Christmas"! I've never heard of "God Belt You Merry Gentlemen"! If there's such a carol as "O Holy Fight", I've never heard it! "All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth (After You Knocked Them Out)"?! As if!

Monday, December 12, 2011

Greatest Christmas CD Covers EVER presents "Merry Christmas, Barry"

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MICHAEL BUBLÉ - CHRISTMAS
Looks like Michael's waiting for his ne'er-do-well brother-in-law (who drunkenly groped Mother Bublé last Christmas then threw up in the punch bowl) to show up at the Bublé family festivities so he can give him his "gift" a little early. This year, it's gonna be an inch-thick piece of granite tile straight to the side of the head.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Greatest Christmas CD Covers EVER presents "An Unexpected Gift"

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JAMES TAYLOR - AT CHRISTMAS
James, what are you doing here? I didn't expect to s... - what, for me? Uh, thanks. What, now? Okay. I didn't get you anything, ha ha.... Oh, what is that? Is that an - OH GOD, IT'S AN EYEBALL! NO NO NO NO NO NO NOOOO!

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Greatest Christmas CD Covers EVER

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Wondering what to get your loved ones for Christmas? Use this handy gift guide and you'll know exactly which Christmas delights to avoid.


AN ORTHODOX CHRISTMAS
Judging from this creepy mask, an Orthodox Christmas celebration looks like the masked orgy scene from Eyes Wide Shut.


LIBERA - THE CHRISTMAS ALBUM
Once they secured control of their village, the Children of the Damned decided to cut a Christmas album. Good on 'em!



IL DIVO - THE CHRISTMAS COLLECTION
Looks like everyone's least favorite group is having a good laugh paying a struggling waitress to do a humiliating dance. I will simply count on karma to deliver its mysterious justice and will comment no further.


THE OAK RIDGE BOYS CHRISTMAS
If I charged out of bed on Christmas morning and found this scene in my living room, I'd declare Christmas officially ruined. God help us if the kids got there first. The deep-voiced guy would go "HO HO HO" and that's when the screaming would start.



KENNY CHESNEY - ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS A REAL GOOD TAN
Maybe the terrorists are right.



A CHRISTMAS GIFT FOR YOU FROM PHIL SPECTOR

If I received a gift from Phil Spector, I'd be afraid to open it, quite frankly. And really, human beings as presents?! It just isn't done!



JUSTIN BIEBER - UNDER THE MISTLETOE
Give this one to your cranky elderly uncle who still unselfconsciously uses racist terms at the dinner table and watch what happens. See confusion turn to nausea turn to anger. It's what the holidays are all about!


JOHNNY MATHIS - MERRY CHRISTMAS
Looks like Johnny took his Christmas card photo at Sears. To save time, after this photo was taken, the Sears photographer unrolled the Old West background and the cover for the subsequent album "Johnny Sings American Classics" was also taken.



MERCYME - THE CHRISTMAS SESSIONS

The Christmas Intifada! How seasonal!